I don’t know how many of you ever watched the show “Family Matters,” but one of the most entertaining things about that show to me was how Steve Urkel would just randomly show up in the Winslow home. While it was entertaining to watch, it must have been pretty annoying for the Winslow family to feel like there were hardly any boundaries in place. I think I would have changed my locks and sat down with Urkel for an honest conversation.

During a recent Bible study class at our church, a question arose: should Christians set boundaries in their relationships? This question was prompted by our study in 1 John 4, which says in verse 20 - “If anyone says, ‘I love God,’ and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen.” That’s really strong language and should cause us to think seriously about the relationships we have with others. But does the principle of 1 John 4:20 mean that it’s ungodly to set certain firm boundaries in our relationships?

There’s a passage that instantly came to my mind which I find helpful in this conversation:

“But Jesus on his part did not entrust himself to them, because he knew all people and needed no one to bear witness about man, for he himself knew what was in man.”
John 2:24 (ESV)

It seems to me that Jesus set certain boundaries in His earthly life with the people around Him. While Jesus was often pressed in at every side with crowds of people wanting to hear Him teach and have Him heal them, He also would often retreat to be alone with His Father (Luke 5:16). Jesus had 12 disciples, but even just 3 of those men were some of his “closest” followers and friends. He did not do what everyone expected of Him which is a way of setting boundaries as well.

So we know that setting boundaries absolutely can be biblical, but how do we know when we should do so? There are a couple of guiding principles I believe we should consider:

Is this relationship bringing temptation and sin into my life?

If this person in your life is constantly trying to convince you to join them in sin, then you certainly need to be cautious about when and how you spend your time with them. If they are someone who always tempts you to be angry, for example, then you need to deal with that sin in your own heart and find ways to create boundaries that protect you from being angry. If this person is someone who is always engaged in some sinful behavior, then as a Christian, you need to consider the principle that says: “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” (2 Corinthians 6:14).

Is this relationship putting myself or someone I am responsible for in danger?

Yes, as Christians we are called to “love our neighbors as ourselves” (Matthew 22:39), but that doesn’t mean we are supposed to allow ourselves to be doormats to physical, spiritual, or emotional abuse. We have a duty in those situations to protect ourselves and anyone around us (for example: your children) from those kinds of abuses. Setting boundaries in this case is actually a way that we do love our neighbors. After all, love “does not rejoice at wrongdoing” (1 Corinthians 13:6).

What is my motivation for setting these boundaries?

This is perhaps the most important question to ask. If you are setting boundaries with someone in your life because they are different than you and you feel inconvenienced by them, that would be unloving and even prideful. If this person has genuinely sought your forgiveness with sincere repentance that even has evidence of their sorrow, and you refuse to listen to them, then that’s not setting boundaries, it’s the sin of unforgiveness. Ask yourself why you are setting boundaries and also ask yourself what you hope the ultimate outcome of these boundaries will be. That will tell you a lot about your own heart and whether or not you’re operating in the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) or not.

So yes, setting boundaries can be biblical, even Christlike, but we must not adopt the standards of our world that say anytime someone inconveniences you, holds you back, behaves in ‘toxic ways, etc, then you must cut them out of your life immediately and entirely. Setting boundaries does not mean withholding forgiveness, it means setting up guardrails to protect yourself and others from sin being committed against you, and it can even protect you from falling into traps of sin yourself.